There are times in life when words just don’t do a situation justice. Can you remember a moment, where you were just so scared, angry or embarrassed, that there was no word to describe it? Perhaps there was a time when you witnessed something so funny, awkward or downright vomit inducing, that it left you standing there, mentally constipated, with no literary Ex-Lax in sight. Allow me to offer a solution in the form of the “Portmanteau”.
The Portmanteau is a fancy, French term that more or less, means a “word sandwich”. It’s when you take at least two words and squeeze them together to give yourself a much more entertaining description of things. Here is a small taste of my portmanteau “glossary”:
1. Brenvy – What I felt towards my younger brother growing up, as I lost virtually every Nintendo game we ever played.
2. Brintendo – The state of “unusability” the Nintendo came to be in, after it received one too many sore loser kicks from me. Brintendo also came to be known by us, as the term used for playing outside; you know, like the Hutterite children do.
Who am I kidding? The old school Nintendo never broke down, it just needed a "time out" occasionally. Thank you Mario, thank you.
3. Granpire – The geriatric man or woman that is in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex that is less than half their age. As in, ”Chuck liked being a Granpire, until his girlfriend received her driver’s license”.
Contrary to popular belief, Granpires only stay outdoors until it's time for Jell-O to be served.
4. Manticipation – The feeling a guy gets when he realizes he might have sex.
5. Manpology – The thing a guy tries to offer a woman, post coitus, due to a great deal of “Manticipation”. As in, “Please accept my Manpology, that has NEVER happened before”.
My Bad.
6. Trynanced – Being highly leveraged with bad debt, that has allowed you to purchase items, which are quickly becoming worthless, in a misguided effort to try and impress other people who couldn’t care less. As in, “Curt didn’t care if he was Trynanced, now he had the iPad2, which meant he would fit in at Starbucks.” Also known as “Poornanced”.
7. seX-Box – When you realize your love life has become a simple matter of trying to “out-do” your partner in the sack.
8. Mindividual – A person who does the absolute least possible to stick out.
9. Exflammation- A condition where the afflicted individual will inexplicably get a burning sensation in their private parts and a feel great need to bathe, upon any chance meeting with an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. Although similar in symptoms, it is not to be confused with Gonorrhea. Or marriage, at the 10 to 15 year stage.
10. Clappy – The people who always seem to clap uncontrollably whenever they are happy about something.
11. Doppelbanger – The exact version of yourself, except a die hard Motley Crue fan.
Yeah, but he looks totally different on Turtleneck Tuesday...
12. Scuttlebuttocks – To talk about a well-formed derriere. As in “Wow…Tiffany sure has a perfect backside. At least, that’s the scuttlebuttocks.”
13. Bropourri – When a young woman finds herself unwittingly encircled by a group of guys while at a club. Also known as being “Mencircled”.
Meh, I've had bigger.
14. Spendgrift – Somebody who knows how to save their money by seducing others out of theirs. Spendgrifts are often seen in the company of Granpires.
Carl and Tony spent their whole lives trying to find that "special someone". Their WHOLE lives.
15. Goondoggle – A group of meatheads, very clearly up to no good.
16. Helmutt- What you feel both you and your head look like, after a bad haircut.
17. Discomboobulate – An age old skill women use, to distract a man by showing off their “Chesticles”.
18. Bestitched – To be the unwilling recipient of something homemade from an aging relative.
Umm...yeah, it's perfect. What are those? Candy canes? Oh, that's swell.
19. Lollyhag – A woman who spends all day complaining, especially about how she has no time to do anything.
20. Fistibluffs – A point where two men look like there going to move to blows, only to realize that neither of them really want a black eye, so they just continue beaking at one another.
When somebody steps between us, you are gonna be soooo sorry...
As you can see, there are times, like at Christmas, where Aunt Mildred offers you that “knit sweater”, which is going be perfect for any “noccasion”. This is when you begin to realize the value of a good Portmanteau. Please feel free to offer up your own word sandwich, as this is the type of thing that makes life blisstastic.
