The longer a person stays with a company, the more likely it will spur enough dissatisfaction to check out options in the job marketplace. This length of time is different for everyone. Personally, I refer to this length of time as “every Wednesday afternoon”.
While you check out these options, I would like to offer some hints, to assist you all in landing a dream job. In my case this was finding a home safeguarding lives and alcohol, as a front-line clerk at Liquor Barn. While this may not seem magical, I find it really plays to my strengths, which are:
- Hiding from real work, whenever possible.
- Pretending to care about the conversation someone is having with me, while actually replaying that YouTube video of funny talking animals in my head.
- Remaining calm when having to call 9-1-1 (I have been advised by more than one of the 9-1-1 operators that I am “disturbingly matter-of-fact”).
- Along with majoring in “broken-French” for about 8 years, I’m also able to translate “Drunkenese” for co-workers. This skill gained me the “November 2012 Liquor Barn Company Synergist” award.
- Ability to not have sex with co-workers in the walk-in beer cooler. This issue is epidemic at Liquor Barn. I asked my former co-worker, Conrad, why he hooked up with a customer on a flat of Lucky Lager, to which he replied “I thought management meant use a condom, when they said they didn’t want things going viral”. Honest mistake. Conrad doesn’t have a computer. Or a bank account. Or a full set of teeth. Though, he can apparently “make the magic happen” at will, in the beer cooler. I can’t. C’est dommage.
Now that you see how a list of such clear abilities can be made for yourself, I suggest doing so without delay, as your next interview could be just around the corner. Below are a few more actions to take if you do happen to (fingers crossed) get that call for an interview.
1) Make yourself a list of must-haves and deal-breakers. Often you will find yourself in a position where you just want walk away; unfortunately some guy name Klaus who works for a very pervy, very contract-savvy, European industrialist will insist you stay for lunch. He will also insist you change the industrialist’s diaper because hey, you said you were good with whatever. Bygones. Anyhow, the important thing is to develop a list of standards for the workplace. You know, like the government does, though are actually enforceable. A few of my Must Haves are:
- Employee weapons must be locked up at all times while at work.
- If forced to wear pink, I must be given accessories. Just saying, nothing says “too much” like a pair of hot-pants paired with a pink V-neck.
- To be paid in cash. Or at least work with it.
A few of my Deal-breakers are:
- Extra bubbly co-workers. In my experience, they’ve had help. By help, I mean blow.
- Running out of coffee. Yes, I realize the irony when compared to my last deal-breaker.
- European industrialists.
Having these things listed makes it clear in establishing a workplace “safe-word”.
2) Wear Socks. Trust me.
3) Prepare a list of questions for your potential employer. This tactic was given to me by a friend and I have to admit, putting an interviewer on their toes is a fulfilling experience. Just be careful the questions aren’t too personal. According to my most recent HR interviewer,who turned out to be my assistant manager Clarissa, from Liquor Barn (along with HR she also does payroll and “clean-up”) asking whether or not she had ever participated in a three-way was unacceptable. FYI, so was asking if she wanted to participate in three-way with me. Oh Clarissa, that clever, little minx.
4) Phone a friend – At the beginning of any interview, I explain that I reserve the right to phone a friend, if the situation calls for it. Most of the time an interviewer is so shocked, they’ll accept. If the interviewer balks at the request, simply counter with “If this is the kind of interview where I’m going to be subjugated for the minority I am…”. This comment will close the door on anything HR related. At any point during the interview, call someone much smarter than yourself, if you’ve been say, caught in a lie on your resume, or perhaps got caught trying to communicate with the birds on the neighbouring building, when you became bored with the interviewer’s ramblings about safety. Just saying if the former CEO of Yahoo can get caught, so can you.
5) Take some “Me” time – Maybe you’ve found the interview isn’t going well, or worse; it is going well and you’re probably going to get a job you really don’t want. If it’s not your dream job, get out. My solution for this is to stop the interviewer mid-sentence and explain that “nature calls”. I then proceed to spend 2 -3 hours in the bathroom, not really doing anything except blowing my chances at getting the job. Hopefully it’s a bathroom where there is only one stall and everyone on the floor uses it. When you start feeling guilty, just remember, this isn’t your dream job and you won’t settle for less, come hell or ruptured bladders.